The Egg-tervention

Grampy is a hoarder. A food hoarder. No. I'm serious as a heart attack. His kitchen and spare room look like a Doomsday Prepper has settled in and lives there. From non-perishable food to water and cleaning supplies, he is sure 'nuff prepped. And yes, God help us all, he even owns a firearm. Luckily Mike found and confiscated all his bullets and had the firing pin removed, but he can still shake his shotgun at his cranky neighbor and we've been called twice now by the manager of the trailer park, threatening to toss him out on his sorry hiney....but I digress.

His freezer boasts 20 packages of hot dogs and even more packages of bologna. Old mayonnaise jars full of beef stew and some other unrecognizable entree are stacked neatly on the top rack while the bottom rack holds mostly bags and bags of english muffins and bacon.

But the hoarding substance that worries us the most is his aresenal of eggs. He called me a month ago complaining that he needed to get to the store because they had a sale on eggs and he's getting low. Grampy eats four eggs on english muffins every morning. Sometimes he throws some fried bologna and processed cheese on the whole mess. Or he scrambles them with bacon and hashbrowns, or makes an omelet. He does love him some eggs. Now the fact that he's going on 88 years old and has eaten like that for most of his adult life should give the American Heart Association pause. At the very least they should re-think the whole cholesterol scam and get off our meat and cheese-eating butts. Again...I digress.

Mike arranged them in order of expiration

So Grampy calls me....needing eggs, right? I go on over. Far be it from me to deny the man one of the few pleasures he has left in life...eating too much fat and cholesterol-ridden food. I find him firmly ensconced in front of the TV finishing his 12^th cup of coffee of the morning and I shout “Hi Dad. I'm going for your eggs!” He nods at me as I grab the coupons off his kitchen table and on the way out the door he hollers at me with instructions to get 8 dozen...the limit on eggs for 99 cents. I halt in my tracks and back up to the kitchen. “What?” I say “8 DOZEN?” That's (and I quickly do the math on my fingers) 96 eggs for crying out loud! Why in the world do you need that many eggs all at one time? It's not like the stores are closing down tomorrow!” He's clearly disgusted with me and simply states “Because they're ON SALE! And the sale ends Tuesday!” At that I reach over to his refrigerator and pull open the door, saying “Do you even have room in here for 8 dozen...what the heck?!” Much to my amazement there were 12 dozen eggs in there already (see photo above), neatly stacked along the right side of the fridge and patiently awaiting their fate. “Dad! You have 12 dozen in here already! I can't even do the math for how many eggs that is and you want to add 8 dozen MORE?!” He was non-plussed, gave me his most sincere stink-eye, repeated slowly “THEY. ARE. ON. SALE!”....and wandered off down the hall muttering to “mama” about not being able to drive anymore and what the hell is he supposed to do when all he wants are a few eggs. “Mama” of course, is his late wife, my mother in law, with whom he holds an ongoing conversation all day. Mostly they talk about their dead dog, Mugsy, and the lousy weather but I have many memories of their lively shouting matches when she was still alive and I think he enjoys her more now that she's passed...she doesn't talk back. But again, I digress. As I headed toward the door to go shopping, I could feel the sting of her own post-mortem disapproval aimed at me, so I did the only thing I could. I called my husband, Grampy's son and passed it off on him.

Eating breakfast, Grampy explains why he needs more eggs.

Mike is Grampy's warden as well as his savior. Without his son, Mike, Grampy would be in a world of hurt. Heck, Grampy would be in a nursing home griping at the indifferent staff and tripping innocent little old ladies walking down the hallways in their blue robes and frizzled pink hair. Mike is made of sterner stuff than I am and immediately asked me to hand the phone to his dad. He patiently explained to his dad about the expiration dates on egg cartons and told Tex there would be no more eggs until he ate most of what he already had. Grampy hung up the phone crest-fallen. Defeated. It broke my heart. I left the house and came back an hour later with four dozen eggs...a compromise, a peace offering, a gesture of my affection. (shhh....don't tell Mike) He was asleep in his recliner. An almost-empty plate of scrambled eggs on his lap, a bit of egg-goo stuck to his bottom lip and a smile of pure bliss on his face.

Who am I to stand between an old man and his love of breakfast?

Coffee, Tea or Grampy?

You can say a lotta things about Grampy but you can't say he doesn't love his cuppa joe. He makes a fresh pot of Folgers first thing every morning and drinks the whole pot. After he's done, he makes another pot. And proceeds this way througout the day until 9pm at night when he finishes his last cup with a bowl of popcorn and a good western on TV. He told me that a few years ago the doctor told him to cut down on his coffee consumption—that he was drinking too much caffeine. “But you haven't, have you?” I noticed as he drained his cup. He gave me a wink and said “I just make it real weak so there's not much caffeine in there at all anymore. That way I can still drink a lot” He was rather proud of his ingeniousness I could tell. “But do you actually LIKE it that weak? It looks like weak tea to me”, I said. “Hell no I don't like it!” he shouted over his shoulder as he put another pot on. Subject closed. Move on, Cathy, move on....

That brought pictures to my mind of Grampy in his pj's sitting at his kitchen table at the crack of dawn cradling the coffeemaker, gulping down cup after cup of hot coffee-water and keeping track on a notepad sitting on the table next to him—which might not be too far from the truth except there isn't a clear space at his kitchen table for anything, let alone a coffeemaker. He has organized piles of—well let's call a spade a spade and the crap on his table we'll just call crap. Bills that have been paid are all in one pile. Bills that haven't been paid are in another. Receipts for groceries are in yet another pile. Receipts for Wienerschnitzel stand tall and proud in their own pile. He even rinses out used Der Weinerschnitzel napkins and sets them out on the table to dry so he can use them again. Mailers, flyers, junk mail...nothing is discarded, nothing is overlooked. He was opening a letter from some Indian Organization asking for money one day. (Feather, not Dot) Cursing, he said he wasn't going to send them any more money. “I've sent them three dollars, five times now and they keep sending me letters asking for More!” he complained “Do they want blood from a turnip?” I tried to explain non-profit organizations, fundraising and computer mailing lists to him and failed. Finally I just said “Dad you know how Santa has a Naughty list and a Nice list? Well so do the American Indians and you, my friend, are on their Nice list.” He put the letter and the 4x6 photo of poor little barefoot and crying Indian children back into the envelope and placed it neatly in the “Letters Begging For More of My Damn Money” pile on the table. “Dad why don't you just throw it away?” I wondered out loud. He silently shook his head at my ignorance and went back to his recliner to finish his Top Ramen. Hand to God. I kid you not.

What Would Tex Ritter Do?

Grampy telling me what happens next...

I went over to Grampy's trailer park tonight to check up on him. He had minor surgery on his feet a week and a half ago and I go over to make sure he's taking his medicine then I soak his feet in epsom salts and change his bandages. While his feet are soaking we watch Spaghetti Westerns on the TV. He's seen every western movie out there half a dozen times and feels it his duty to let me know what I've missed and what will happen next. “Don't think that red headed woman is going to be OK” he'll say to me, narrowing his eyes at me to make sure I understand the gravity of the situation. “She'll get shot dead once they get the horses around that big rock.” Then, sure enough, BAM she get's shot. “Happens every time” he says, shaking his head.

His Favorite Shows

He has a remote control but his TV is permanently tuned to 570   the Western Channel. With over 900 channels available on the satellite, he's scared spitless that if he changes the station he'll never find his way back to The Western Channel and that would be a complete disaster. He was wondering out loud if they had finally put some Chuck Norris shows on the Western Channel. “Dad” I said “That would go against everything that Roy Rogers and Gene Autrey stood and fought for. You are either a White Man or an Indian if you're on this channel. Black Belt Karate-Jujitsu Fighters would stand out like a yellow polka dot bikini on Miss Kitty. It just wouldn't work”. He seemed so disappointed that I took the remote and did the unthinkable. I changed the channel...and found Walker Texas Ranger on another channel—308. Lo and behold they were having a marathon of Walker Texas Ranger! I hit the jackpot. “Look, dad! There's Chuck Norris over here on 308! And it's ALL DAY!” Grampy looked real nervous when I did that. He moved to the edge of his seat and I saw a tiny bit of saliva escaping from the corner of his mouth as he looked, horrified at the new channel on the screen. His right eye began to twitch. Alarmed, I quickly turned the channel back to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly on 570. The sight of Clint Eastwood quickly brought Grampy back around and I could almost feel his heart rate slowing down again as he settled back into his recliner, slowly exhaling.

I got up and made another pot of weak coffee and poured him a cup to distract him. Handing it to him, I steeled myself for a ranting diatribe of the Western Channel's one shortcoming...no Walker Texas Ranger. “What?” he said when I brought it up “Oh. Chuck Norris. Yeah I like him. I wonder if they have Walker Texas Ranger on the Western Channel yet”. “No” I simply sighed. “No dad, they don't.”

Pythagorean's Theroem and How It's Ruining My Life

Leah and Lorynne - Laughing at my ignorance, no doubt

We are getting a dog. This is such a monumental shock to me that just seeing it typed there on this page makes me want to give it its own paragraph.



It's all because of Pythagorean's Theorem. I was reading something on the internet and that pesky old Geometrical Nightmare popped onto the screen. I immediately broke out in a cold sweat, feeling the ghostly presence of Sister Angelino, my high school Geometry teacher, looking over my shoulder, tapping her ruler on her left palm and impatiently waiting for my answer to her question. “Mary Catherine, how do you find the sum of the side opposite the 60 degree angle?” Quiet Desperation. Silent cursing. Move on Sister Angelino. Move on to the next poor soul. I didn't know it then and I sure as heck don't know it now.

OK Google said it backwards. Very clever Google

At that moment, I happened to have three intelligent teenage girls in the room and I offered the question to them. “What is Pythagorean's Theorem?” If anyone knows, I figured, it would be a teenager. They are right in the thick of genuine academia...mingling with geometric and algebraic equations on a daily basis. They ignored me like a blind P.E. teacher asking them to take another lap. Then Leah (13) looked up. Leah is a Mathlete. Leah is Gifted and Talented. Truth be told, ALL my grandchildren are Gifted and Talented in diverse areas. Lorynne and Kate are smart as whips, and sing and play the piano like angels. Georgia also plays piano, and reads books well beyond her 8 years of age. All 4 boys are Lego Engineering Geniuses and can re-enact every light sabre fight in every Star Wars movie and every sword fight in every Pirates of the Caribbean movie combined. No small feat in itself.  Leah the mathlete finally put down her ipod and looked at me with tolerant affection... like I was a feeble granny asking if Spongebob lives in a treehouse in the desert. “Gram” she said, assuming the answer to my question was Common Knowledge, “Pythagorean's Theorem is A-squared + B-squared = C-squared.” Then she went back to her ipod and her youtube and her gum-popping, giggling cousins.
  
I was impressed, yet chagrined. Unh uh, no way, I quickly said to myself. That's a 5 cent answer to a $10 question. It can't be that easy and how would a pipsqueak 8^th grader know that? I didn't almost-but-never-really-learn Pythagorean's Theorem till sophomore year in High School. (Go away Sister Angelino). Well I'm no math whiz but I do know how to google. Sure enough. Leah was right. That's Pythagorean's Theorem in a nut shell. I read the whole page despite the intimidating charts and graphs and flowery math-language those brainiacs at Google like to impress us with.

Grampy and Suzy on Alice's Couch

And that's when it hit me. I'm getting a dog. “A-squared” = Grampy, adopting his friend Alice's dog. Alice is going into a nursing home and said he could have Suzy. Grampy loves Suzy more than he loves Chuck Norris but hold up there... “B-squared” = Grampy going into the hospital soon to have surgery. Gasp! He's 87 years old and despite what the capitalistic, medicare-gouging doctors say, will he ever “bounce back” from major surgery at his age? I was born at night but I wasn't born last night. He ain't never bouncing anywhere again. He'll be moving in with us. For good. That takes us to “C squared “= Grampy with nothing else to live for but Suzy and then there's me, unable to begrudge Grampy this dog he loves so much. To summarize: I'm getting a dog. A squared + B squared = C squared.

Math is non-negotiable. Resistance to the Nerd gods
of Geometry is futile. I need to stock up on dog toys.
Curse you Pythagorean.

Weather or Not

Grampy has three reasons left to live. #1 is to complain about the weather ,#2 is to collect coupons and #3 is to harass the dog that lives next door.

Joshua trees in the Mojave Desert.
These are NOT the trees I'm talking
about, though.

Grampy lives within spittin' distance of us but I call him a couple times a week to see how he is, and right off the bat I get the weather report. “It's blowing like holy hannah over here.” he'll say (whenever there's a hint of a breeze) “I've never lived in a town that had such god-awful wind storms”. For the record, Grampy lived in the Mojave desert for a good part of his honery life and if you've ever been to that fair region, you'll remember noticing that all the trees grow sideways—being constantly battered by the strong south winds that are a permanent part of the climate there. Here in this town (which sits in a valley, just over the mountains from that desert), an occasional wind storm means that much-needed rain is on the way and we look forward to it greedily. We have a fairly temperate climate here. It doesn't freeze in the winter (I can't remember the last time I wore my winter coat), and the summers are hot but relatively dry. Pretty nice if you ask me...but don't ask Grampy.

Grampy's Thermomoter. It's never wrong.

NO weather is good weather in his book. His rain gauge isn't half full or half empty, it's rusty and broken and he's thrown it in the trash. Every weatherman is a crook and they all have one thing in common—they are all liars. They predict sun and a few clouds might pass in the sky. They tell us it will rain and we'll go the whole day with nary a drop of precipitation till nightfall. They'll give us a high temp of 87 and Grampy will check the beat-up Pepsi thermometer nailed to the outside of his single-wide every hour in hopes of proving them wrong. God forbid we ever see any of our local weather-casters at Walgreens or Foods Co. some day. Grampy won't hesitate to give them a piece of his mind. So I am always prepared when I talk to or see Grampy, for predictions of doom and gloom.

My flowering plum trees this spring.

One beautiful spring day Grampy came over for dinner. The windows were open, the birds were chirping, the hummingbirds were humming, the BBQ was sizzling...it was the quintessential perfect day. He walked in the door and I was eager to hear the daily weather report from him. There was absolutely nothing negative he could say so I beat him to the punch - “Hi Dad! Just look how gorgeous the weather is today!” as I gestured to the open french doors to the back yard. Then I paused. At last, I thought to myself, I will hear his praise for mother nature. “Yeah” he said as he looked out the screen door at two butterflies frolicking in the flowers in my garden. “But it will probably be hotter than hell tomorrow.”

Deep sigh. He had me there.

Grampy's Ship Comes In

The Car Keys Grampy No Longer Has

Grampy called me at work one morning, shortly after we took his car keys away. I was knee deep in deadlines, proposals and meetings, but I put it all on pause to take the call. Although the roads are once again safe for pedestrians and motorists alike, this means that Grampy is now dependent on Mike and me to take him to the various and sundry places he needs to go. 

What time do you get off work”? He demanded. “I get off at 4:30, why?” I asked. “Well” he went on “I need to get to the bank” The bank? I was perplexed. I was expecting either Walmart, Walgreens or FoodsCo (the holy trinity of shopping in Grampy's world) since it was Wednesday and the coupons had just come in the mail the day before, but the bank? Grampy believes in a cash-only system. No credit, no checks just good old American paper money like the good Lord intended. He may as well have said he wanted me to take him to church—I couldn't have been more surprised. “Why in the world do you need to go to the bank, dad?” I asked. “In 1993 I bought this magnetic bracelet.” he explained “The TV said it would cure whatever ailments I had so I bought it. I wore it for two years and it didn't cure nuthin! I still got the arther-itis as bad as ever.” He was clearly disgusted and obviously surprised that the Made for TV info-mercial would feed him lies and offer him a device that did not live up to it's touted merits. God bless America where we are not only free to, but encouraged to out and out lie to the general public and convince them to send us their money in exchange for crap.

How the Magnetic Bracelet was Supposed to Work

He went on...“So I heard about a class action lawsuit against the bracelet company and I signed up. The case is finally done and we won. I got my share of the winnings in the mail just now and I need to get it to the bank and cash it. Today!” Well that was the first I'd heard about this. It had evidently been going on for 16 years and he finally won? Maybe the old man isn't entirely senile if he can gather his wits about him long enough to win a lawsuit. “WOW!” I exclaimed, dumbfounded by this accomplishment and thinking maybe he can start paying his own bills now. “ That's GREAT”, I said, excited as all get-out, “but I can't come get you till 4:30. How much did you get?!” Grampy took a deep breath and I could feel his chest puffing out like the lone rooster in a coop full of large breasted hens, as he proclaimed “This check here is for $32.56! Can't you get off any sooner?”

Christmas in the Country

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to live in the country—buy some acreage in the woods and build a little log house with a large screened-in porch where I can sit on a  summer evening, relax on the porch swing, watch the stars twinkle in the sky and breathe deeply of the cool country air.  I imagine a big red chicken coop in the yard and two goats in a pen. Daisy and Dusty. (Oh yes, I've named them. Somebody stop me before I start describing the perfect rose hedge bordering the white picket fence for crying out loud.) As fate would have it, however, I married a city boy with no pinings for country air nor cravings for the piney woods so here we sit in the neatly paved, well manicured suburbs, and here we will undoubtedly stay.

Sigh.

Me, Grampy, Mandee and Mike in Texas, 1979

But there was a time in 1979 when my dream was briefly realized. We were living in Dallas, Texas. Mike's job seemed stable enough and we got a bee in our bonnets to buy a house. With remarkably little persuasion I convinced Mike we needed to move ourselves and our three small children to a little rural town called Kaufman, Texas. It was about an hour south of Dallas and looked exactly like Mayberry RFD. We found a five acre parcel of land off a dirt road out in the wooded countryside,  smack dab in the middle of nowhere. It was conveniently located 19 miles away from the nearest telephone and/or convenience store, and it looked like heaven to me. We purchased a brand new double wide, plopped it down parallel to the little pond across the road and right next to a grove of walnut trees. We then went back to the city, packed our bags and like Lot, fleeing the city of Gomorrah, we left Dallas behind with nary a glance backwards. Well I did at least.

That summer  I planted and tended the perfect vegetable garden, gathered wild Mustang grapes, canned a bazillion jars of jelly, and watched my children run outside half naked, barefoot, free and happy. I even had a rooster scratching in the yard that I'd rescued from a busy city intersection in Dallas right before we moved, and I wanted for nothing...except a front porch. I could see it in my mind—rustic and sturdy. A place for me to sit out at night after the kids were in bed and play my guitar with only the glorious stars and acres and acres of deep, dark emptiness for company.

The pond across the road and my newly plowed garden

It was a few weeks before Christmas that Grampy called to say it was high time he and mama drove out from California to pay us a visit. My mother in law never showed up without her white glove, so in preparation I cleaned the house from rafters to baseboards, set out the lame plastic floral centerpiece they'd bought us the Christmas before and mentally prepared myself for the invasion of my in-laws.

Part of the house and the tire swing as seen from my garden

Much to my surprise, (and I'll never forget this as long as I live) Grampy arrived—on time and  alone. He pulled into the yard in his beat up old pick up truck....which was carefully packed high with pieces of his prized scrap lumber. You remember his rather large collection of used wood he'd pilfered from construction sites for years and years. Well he had come out to Texas to share the wealth! He'd come out to Texas to     build me my dad-gummed porch!

I watched in awe the next few days as, tool belt in hand, he nailed short 2x4 weathered scraps of wood into place to build the deck off the front door. Each piece was varied  in color. Some were gray, some were dark brown, some were paint spattered, white, black or red and, once assembled, they made the most beautiful  12' x 7' deck I'd ever laid eyes on.  I was a happy country girl with my mis-matched quilted porch. Grampy stood back and admired it with me, then decided we needed a proper roof for covering —but he didn't have any pieces long enough to serve as posts.  He gazed off into the woods then picked up his chainsaw and took off into the brush. I watched as he cut down several young poplar trees, stripped off the branches and dragged them back to the house. He then fashioned them into supports for his hodge podge construction of multi hued lumber that formed the roof.

Can you see me? Standing back of the property in the woods

He finished the project within a week's time. It was a job well done, sturdy enough to survive Armageddon and just about the best Christmas present I'd ever received. I was living in the lap of luxury in my opinion, and felt gloriously  spoiled. The next day Grampy drove into town to the feed store and came back with six newly hatched chicks. He said we needed more than a scraggly old rooster if we expected to eat eggs for breakfast. The kids were in hog heaven and even the old barnacled rooster loved those chicks and managed to keep his good eye on them night and day.

A few days later, with a final admonishment to the kids to eat their broccoli and watch for ticks, Grampy climbed into the cab of his pick up and  left for home. Later that night as I sat out on my porch with our little black dog quietly snoring beside me, I played every country western song my father ever taught me on my guitar,  serenading the crickets and the vast dark emptiness around me. It was the best audience I'd ever had.  As I leaned back under the blanket of stars with a deep contentment in my soul, I thought of Grampy and how honery and cantankerous he can be, yet how he drove all the way to Texas to build me a porch for Christmas. With a deep sigh, I looked up at the twinkling heavens and said thank you to the creator of all that glory and I whispered, "I can't ever possibly be happier than I am at this moment. This is exactly where I'm meant to be."

And it was.