Epilogue. The Final Lesson

Grampy is cozy and safe now in a nice wooden box in a velvet bag behind some books on our bookcase. He's next to mama where he belongs. We aren't freaked out by having their ashes in our home. We find it oddly comforting to have them close. For so long we worried about him living alone. Is he climbing up that ladder to pick tangerines out of the tree in his back yard? Is he threatening the Mobile Home Park Manager again, cussing at her and waving his ancient (albeit disabled) Civil War pistol in the air? Did he ride his scooter across the street to Target and forget to fully charge the battery? Nowadays, along with Grampy, Mike and I can finally rest in peace at night. 

Now that some time has passed and we are used to the new "normal" and the void has more or less closed that was created with his passing, I am pondering the treasures he left behind, his legacy to me, the tangible lessons I gleaned from my grizzled old crotchety father in law. 

1. All you really need in life is a dog and a comfortable chair. 

Grampy did not hanker after many material possessions. His furniture was purchased in 1950, along with most of his clothes. His favorite restaurant was Wienerschnitzel and His little dog Mugsy was the chili on his hot dog. Truth be told, he loved that dog more than he liked most humans. And though his recliner was lumpy in all the wrong places, there was nowhere else he and Mugsy would rather sit. With a bowl of popcorn on his lap and a good Western on TV, he was wealthier than most folks with 5 times his bank account. 

2. Do not bear the weight of everyone else's expectations and judgements.

Grampy didn't give a rat's patootie about people's opinion of him. Yes he was a narrow minded bigot who pissed off durn near everyone he ever came in contact with, but he never pretended to be otherwise and never lost any sleep at night worrying over what people thought of him. 

3. Take care of your family. 

When times were tough and push came to shove, Grampy was always there to help us out. He was never openly proud of his kids or wasted time in praising them. He was irritated by most of his family members and had no reservations about vocalizing his discontent and pointing out our shortcomings, but he had no problem either offering help when help was really needed.

4. If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.

God love him. For the most part he was a horrible warning...and by God's grace my husband Mike fell far from that family tree. Mike learned how to parent by pretty much doing the opposite of what Grampy did as a dad. You can't choose your parents, but you CAN choose for yourself HOW to parent. (That's good, write that down)

 

5. It's never too late...keep the faith

Since 1975 Mike and I (and others) have, through various ways, shared Jesus with his dad and tried to be examples (albeit poorly) of Christian love. Tex was about as contrary and unresponsive to the gospel message as they come. He saw all Christians as bible-thumping hypocrites and the door to his heart seemed to be frozen shut. One night, about a year before he died, during a very lucid evening visit, Grampy broke down in tears and prayed with Mike to receive Christ. Mike said that Grampy knew exactly what he was doing and we both cried like babies when Mike came home and told me about it. Keep the faith. Persevere in prayer. God is faithful. We prayed for 40 years for that man's soul, as did all of our children and grandchildren every night when they said their prayers. "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." James 5:16

  

6. Live Debt-free

Grampy never had a checking account until his last couple years when he needed Mike to pay his bills and we opened one up for him. Credit card? He just scoffed at the idea. 

They say that time softens and alters the memories of our loved ones. That we remember them with more grace and humor than reality warrants...I am waiting for that day but in the meantime I'll go out on a high note. Grampy was a bad tempered, foul-mouthed, crusty old pirate. But he was our crusty old pirate and we loved him. Sometimes he cracked just a bit and a softness leaked out of his hard exterior and he would hug me and tell me he loved me. That would be a good day. He made us laugh and he made us cry—and sometimes at the same time. He had a hard life, fought and scraped his way through most of it, and in the end was bested by Alzheimer's, but was blessedly unaware of it. 

We were grateful we were able to take care of him in his last years and at least make that part of his life a little easier for him. He was able to feel independent and in charge of his life to the end and that's the best he would have hoped for. As the patriarch of the family, he always thought he was taking care of us; and not the other way around. His dying words to us were "I'm guess I'm going to kick the bucket here so you two will have to take care of each other now." God love it. 

Rest in peace, Arthur Victor Berthiaume. Keep the coffee warm and the tv tuned to Gunsmoke...we'll be there to join you in due time. 

Cathy Berthiaume

Grampy's Swan Song

The Firemen and EMT men bundled Grampy onto the stretcher and loaded him into the back of the ambulance. He had been so weak the last two days and had passed out in the bathroom in Mike's arms. We'd called 911. "Where do you want us to take him m'am?" They asked me. "Back to 1950, please" I thought with sadness. Eventually we got him settled in the ICU at San Joaquin Hospital. After tests were done we were told his kidneys weren't functioning correctly and they started an IV drip with various and sundry meds to hopefully fix it. After a few hours Mike and I went home to sleep, guiltily feeling relief that someone else was seeing to Grampy's care. 

It was 11:00 pm that night when the ICU nurse called to say Grampy's blood pressure was dropping rapidly and we'd better get to the hospital right away if we wanted to say goodbye. He had 2 hours tops she guessed. When we got there he was surprisingly awake and lucid. We stood on either side of his bed and bent down to kiss his forehead. He smiled and grabbed both our hands in his gnarled, old ones and told us he loved us. He wondered one more time where mama was then told Mike that he was a good son, he told us he was going to kick the bucket (his exact words) and that we should just take care of each other now. It was very precious and I'll never forget it. It was our Hallmark movie, bedside dying moment with our dad. Bittersweet and perfect. At that point a nurse walked into the room to adjust his IV. He proudly held up our still-clutched hands; Mike's in his left, mine in his right and called her over  "Nurse, nurse come here and meet my dad and my stepmom!" 

Me and Grampy 2014

Needless to say Grampy did not pass into the great beyond in two hours tops. But we never imagined he would go gently into that good night. He had tenaciously, stubbornly lived out his life punctuated by a series of exclamation points so why should his passing be with any less of an impact? The doctor must have thought he was hanging on too long because, around 3 am she came in and announced that she was moving him out of ICU and into a private room. She was professional, young and cute -- Grampy's favorite kind of doctor. With the hint of a mischievous glint in his fading eyes and in almost a whisper he began singing to her "If you knew Susie like I know Susie" and just as I usually did, and for the last time I ever would, I chimed in and finished the song with him "Oh, oh, oh what a gal". 

Grampy and Susie 2012

The next morning around 11 am Grampy breathed his last. His passing was painless and peaceful - the best any of us could hope for. He had finished his 90 years journey on this planet, dotted his "I"s, crossed his "t"s and placed the last exclamation point at the end of his story.  I could somehow sense mama standing in the wings of heaven, urging him on. "Come on Tex, I'm right here. I've kept your coffee warm for you, Gunsmoke is on and we have a lot of catching up to do!"

Arthur Victor Berthiaume

April 2, 1925 - Nov 2, 2015

Adventures in Alzheimers: Moving On

Grampy's phone. He refuses to use a push button.

My late aunt Nyla June once told me in that hushed, serious voice she always saved for making profound statements "Mary Catherine, you aren't going to get any younger. You're only going to get older".  Truer words were never spoken as I soberly consider the fact that 90 year old Grampy is slowly declining. Mike or I see him at least once a day. He only lives a few minutes away from us and has refused to move in with us. Oftentimes when I go to see him lately he's sound asleep in his recliner at random hours of the day. If I poke the sleeping bear and wake him he takes a minute to focus on me and remember where he is. When he does happen to be up and awake when I go over there, he lets me hug him then asks, every single time, "Have you seen mama? I  don't know where she is." And shaking his head he sadly adds "Yeah I think she left me. Then I lightly rub his arm and soberly remind him that she passed away 17 years ago. His response is always "Well why didn't someone tell me?" It breaks my heart. Every time. 

This week he started organizing and packing his meager possessions in odd and random ways. The other day I pulled out a shoe box from under his sink containing an old flashlight, broken scissors, a pile of aged junk mail and four new potatoes. He told me to put it back. That's where he's keeping it, he said, so he can find it later.  He stacks empty ice cream cartons along the top of the back of his stove "Why?" I asked. "Well" he said "I just like the way it looks". I snapped some photos to prove I'm not exaggerating. Mike asked him "Why are you packing and organizing your stuff dad?" Grampy said "Well I'm moving. I'm going back home." What does he know that we don't? 

He's getting his dishes ready to go....but where?

Hi Ice Cream Carton decor. Sigh.

Today I went over and he was fast asleep in bed. I gently woke him up. He said he didn't feel well. That he couldn't get up and get me some coffee. Alarmed, I called Mike and he came over right away. We brought Grampy home to our house and for the first time ever,  he didn't resist. I'm not sure he will ever go back to his trailer again. We're taking it one day at a time. Right now he's sleeping in a recliner in the back room with Ladybug curled on his lap. He loves that dog more than he loves most humans. Most likely she's the best medicine for him.

Looks like Grampy really might be moving on. 

Adventures in Alzheimer's: The Rumpus Room

The cut of my jib and my dog Lakaya. 1972

The first day I met Grampy he hollered at me and made me cry. I was standing at his front door; a wide-eyed, eager to please teenager who didn't know any better than to ring the bell and awaken the beast. I don't know if he was just upset that I'd interrupted his TV show by making him come to the door, or if he just didn't care for the cut of my jib. But he hollered at me. His wife, Bernie, compounded the drama when she took one look at me and loudly cussed him out for making me cry. 

Since then I've learned to toughen my hide around him and take 80% of what he says with a grain of salt. Make that 95%. I've been his daughter-in-law over 40 years now...so that's a lot of salt. From time to time since 1970, he's felt it necessary to point out the obvious to me. He tells me if my macaroni and cheese is sub par, how my parenting and grandparenting skills are sorely lacking, and every so often he takes a good look at me and asks "When the hell did you get fat?" 

This was the old man in 1972. He seemed so old to me then...

When it came to raising his boys, back in the dark ages of the 1950s and 60s, he was a firm believer in "Do as I say or meet the business end of my belt". He verbally and physically beat each of his three boys whenever they erred --up until they grew big enough to cuss back and knock him to the ground...which they all eventually did. He wasn't what you'd call "user-friendly" when it came to fatherhood.

His wife, my mother in law Bernie, wasn't much of a fan of mine either. I kid you not when I say that Bernie once smiled sweetly at my mother and said "Cathy isn't much of a housekeeper, is she?" Of course that went over well with mom. In my defense I have to say that I really am a good housekeeper. 

Alright...I'm OK. 

Shut up.

I have to add, however, that Grampy has been willing to lend a hand or two at times when we needed him. It was 1990. We lived in a 3 bedroom, 1100 sf home in the burbs; three teenage children, Mike, me, a dog and a cat, and we were quite cozy. Especially when the kids brought friends over. 

Me and Grampy 2015. You gotta love him.

Grampy drove out in his truck from Laughlin one day and volunteered to turn our garage into a rumpus room. He was a master-builder and we had some savings so we quickly took him up on the offer. He stayed with us about two months while he worked on that room. He frowned at the kids for being loud, glared at their friends for ....well just being their friends, and reprimanded all of them for not eating their vegetables. But they tolerated him well and he did a fantastic job—even built us a separate laundry room.  He built that rumpus room "Armageddon-proof" and it looked beautiful. After some furniture, carpeting and wallpaper It quickly became our hang-out and I was grateful for the extra breathing room.

After he was done with the room, and as he was getting into his truck to head home to Nevada he told me, point-blank and in all seriousness, "You have a real nice house now that I've fixed it up." He then glared at my 15 year old son Shane who was making faces at me behind my back and said "give me those three grandkids of mine for a couple weeks and I'll straighten them out too....Think about it." And he left. 

I'm still thinking about it...

Stuck in a Lifetime Movie Part 6 | Runaways and Hobos

It was 1938. Grampy was 13 years old and going into the 8th grade. Well, in theory, anyway.  School was pretty low on his list of priorities. He and little brother Wille, who was 10, had once again been dropped off at the local orphanage by their father for an indefinite period of time. Arthur Sr. had a new girlfriend with a hankerin' to wander and a need to carouse. Two young boys would only have impeded their progress. This wasn't Tex's first orphanage rodeo and there was no love lost between Tex and the woman who ran the show - Mother Superior. She believed children should be seen, not heard, and made to work hard. Tex believed she was a pain in the arse and repeatedly mouthed off, earning severe beatings. One night he decided that enough was enough and it was time to leave--leave the orphanage and leave his father. For good. He put some clothes together and decided to set out in the middle of the night, when the staff was sleeping and the  gettin' was good. He said goodbye to Wille before he ducked out the window and Wille, frantic, pleaded with him not to leave him behind. Tex resisted at first then realized what Willie's future would be like with an abusive dad and no big brother to protect him. So he reluctantly took him along. 

Now they were living in Phoenix at the time and the best plan Tex could come up with was to travel to Texas to an elderly aunt who might take them in. And so they set out east. Remember that this was during the Great Depression. Homeless, wandering men were a dime a dozen. Two young, skinny boys traveling without a grownup didn't raise an eyebrow. Tex had one immediate goal in mind, and that was to get as far as possible away from Phoenix before his dad found out they were gone. He literally feared for his life if his dad found him,  and Willie's too. 

Boys hitching a ride on a train

They quickly learned how to jump trains, which was the faster, albeit most dangerous mode of transportation eastward. He told me about the Hobo Camps they would stay in come nightfall. He said the old hobos took he and Willie in and fed them and gave them a space to sleep. The hobos would set up makeshift camps along the railroad tracks and set a huge, industrial size empty tomato can filled with water to boiling over a fire. Then everyone in the camp would hike into town and forage for something to put into the pot; vegetables from the grocer's trash, a ham bone begged from the butcher, anything that could go into the pot and cook up into a stew. Tex called it Hobo stew and my o my he said it was tasty. 

Halfway into their journey, he and Wille found themselves trudging down some hot, dusty country road in the middle of nowhere--he couldn't recollect where they were at the time...just somewhere between Arizona and Texas. They noticed a horse a ways off in a pasture by the road. Willie said "I'm gonna go ride that horse". Tex cautioned his brother against it "That ain't your horse. You're just gonna get yourself in trouble" Wille laughed and jumped the fence, "I'm gonna do it!" he yelled back at his brother as he ran. "Well I ain't waitin' for you!" Yelled Tex back at him. And true to his word, Tex did NOT wait for him. He kept on walking. 

Heading to Texas

"So what happened?" I asked Grampy at this point in his story. "Well", he said "I didn't see my
brother again till seven years later." I was gobsmacked "What?!?! You went on to Texas without him?" Grampy reminded me that times were tough, children were not coddled, nor did their opinions count for much. He figured Willie had been picked up by the police and was probably being shipped back to their dad. "Nothing I could do about it" he sniffed, "so I just kept going". As it turned out, Willie WAS turned into the authorities by the owner of the horse, who thought he was trying to steal it. He spent the next several years in juvenile hall (or whatever Thay called it back then). He stubbornly refused to tell the police who he was and who his father was. Probably a smart move on his part. 

Willie sure 'nuff rode that horse

Tex finally made it to Texas and his relatives there DID take him in. It was there that he met Bernadine Trepanier from Lawrence, Mass. She was on an extended vacation with her mother, Anna at the time.  When they met, he told her his name was Arthur. She frowned and shook her head. "No" sh said "I have a brother named Arthur and I can't stand him. From now on you'll be Tex". And from there on out he was. He stayed in Texas a few  years then eventually migrated on to New York City. He picked up odd jobs here and there, stuffed newspaper into his shoes when his soles wore out, and got into several lively bar fights. In 1943, at 18, he enlisted into the army. He shortly thereafter married Bernadine Trepanier and was promptly shipped off to The war in Europe the next day.  The Big One WWII. 

He obviously survived the war. It must have been a cakewalk after all he'd been through during his childhood. But then we all know that he's a tough old bird and proof that "what don't kill you makes you stronger."

Grandma's Quilt

Adventures in Alzheimers: Grandma's Quilt

Grampy's tea towels.He don't care.

Everyone knows by now that Grampy lives in a cozy single- wide in the Greenacres Senior Mobile Home Park. His wants are few and he has more than he thinks he needs. I noticed one day, while I was standing in his kitchen talking with him as he was frying eggs, the nasty dish towels he has hanging over his kitchen cabinet doors. I said nothing but went straight away to Target and bought him half a dozen bright, new tea towels and took them to him. Avocado green Tea towels—I think Grandma B. would have approved. He grunted " hmmpf!" when I presented them to him and he didn't take them from my hands. "But dad," I protested, pointing in disgust to the shredded mockery of a dish towel hanging on the cabinet door under the sink, "your towels are disgusting." I had rehearsed this speech in my mind on the way back from Target. "Mama would be ABHORRED to see these threadbare monstrosities in the kitchen. Use these nice new green ones instead and let's throw the old ones out." yes, I played the Bernie card as I neatly hung a couple new ones out just to show him how smart they looked. Without waiting for further protest, I set the remaining towels on the counter and vacated the premises, lickety split, before he asked me for the receipt. 

I went back a few days later only to see the ratty old towels back out, neatly hanging over the cupboard doors. Crestfallen, I asked; "Dad, where are the nice new tea towels I just bought you? Why are these nasty things back?" My scoldings don't really penetrate his crusty old cranium, yet I persist. "Well hell Cathy" he spat back. "They're in the spare room. (Mike and I call it the Armageddon room. A room full of enough toilet paper, Top Ramen and bottled water to outlast Doomsday ) "They are too nice for everyday use." He went on " I'll store them in there and get them out for special occasions. Now go sit down. Bonanza is just starting. Do you want a cup of (weak, disgusting, cold) coffee?" I sighed and sat, knowing I'd cast my towels before swine. You can lead a stubborn old man to a new tea towel, but you can't make him use it. 

Grandma's postage stamp quilt sitting prettily on my bed

On the way home I got to thinking about my grandma's quilt. Grandma Stewart never cottoned much to us west coast grandkids, but she did make quilts for me and for my 2 sisters when we were teenagers. They were to be our wedding gifts, though she died before those momentous events took place.  My mother wouldn't give me mine when I got married though. In my pre-wedding youthful, idealistic ignorance I had remarked that I had plans to cut it up into a hippie skirt. She gasped In horror, hid it away, and held onto it until I was over 40; old enough for her to be assured I had come my senses. I had.
   
These 3 quilts are all "postage stamp" quilts. A potpourri of tiny 2" squares, hand-cut from discarded clothing my grandma had collected from relatives and hand-stitched together, in spite of her failing eyesight and arthritic hands. Mine had been stored in a plastic bag up in the closet for over 40 years; it is priceless and treasured. Not to be used up by everyday life, then cast aside, I always told myself. Ever. 

I like the old windows behind my bed. :-)

I got to thinking about how that quilt would most likely NOT be priceless and treasured by my beloved children after I passed on to Glory. And I know from experience that once you die, 90% of all your accumulated lifetime treasures are whisked away into a yard sale. I could see in my mind's eye my grandma's quilt in the "$3.00 OBO" box and the middle aged, tube-top wearing woman with a baby on her hip and a cigarette hanging from her mouth, offering my children $2.50 for it with intentions of using it to line the bed of her dirty white pickup truck. And furthermore...them accepting the offer. 

Lord have mercy. 

When I got home that day, I retrieved that quilt from my closet and laid it out on my bed. And there it lies to this day. It brings a smile to my face whenever I walk into my bedroom now. The grandsons jump on it, the littles ones nap on it, my dog burrows underneath it and it keeps me cozy and warm every night. It just might be threadbare by the time I pass on to that quilt-less land of Glory...maybe. But that's OK. Yard sale fodder may be it's future, but it will have been used and loved by me in the present. I think even crusty old Grandma Stewart would approve. 

But then maybe not. Truth be told, the old lady might rather have seen it go into the Armageddon room with those damn tea towels. 

Adventures in Alzheimers: I Have a Pimple on my Belly

“There was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very good indeed, but when she was bad, she was horrid”

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The same thing could be said about Grampy...minus the curl, and the cute little girl.

Me and Grampy Sept. 2014. This was a good day.

Couple Wednesdays ago Mike was out of town and I had full time Grampy duty, so I made my dutiful trek over to his trailer park after a long day at work. In Grampy-land, some days are good days and some days...not so much. On good days, I find him in his recliner, watching a western movie on TV and he remembers that I'm there to give him his daily pills and watch a show with him. On those days he magnanimously offers me (cold) coffee from a (slightly used and stained) mug. On those days he pecks my cheek hello when I reach down to give him a hug.

This day was not one of those days.

I came in through the back door and found him standing at the sink in the kitchen waving a butter knife furiously around in the air and cursing like a frustrated sailor with Tourettes, at no one in particular. I loudly made my appearance known from a distance, keeping an eye on that knife, so as not to surprise him. He whirled around and began ranting at me. “I've been up since 5am cleaning up this !@#$%! kitchen! (the kitchen was clean, as usual) Some damn idiot broke in here last night and made a !@#$%! mess in my kitchen and left all this bread out (pointing the knife at three pieces of semi-stale bread on the counter) and now I have no bread! What kind of !@#$%! would do that!” ….and I'll leave out the rest of his rant.... He was agitated, disoriented, not happy and clearly in the middle of, what I call, an “episode”.

I quickly gave him a huge hug, held him for a minute to calm him down and asked, “Are you hungry dad? Are you wanting a sandwich?” He relaxed and replied “Hell yes I”m hungry!”. “OK”, I said “Let's go get us a sandwich at Arbys. How about that?” He brightened up. “Well OK I guess I'll go with you if you insist”. And off we went. He in his slippers and pajama bottoms which he refused to change. He did don his threadbare, plaid snap-button cowboy shirt though, so he wasn't totally ridiculous-looking.

This is NOT our Arbys...but looks just like it. 

We arrived at an empty (thank God) Arbys and Grampy was a happy camper by then. I walked briskly up to the counter, manned by a cute little gum-smacking teenage girl. I could tell she was new. She had that deer in a headlight look about her and in a small, rote voiced said “Welcome to Arby's can I help you?” At that point I turned around to see Grampy a few steps behind me with his right arm crooked high in the air and his left arm holding an imaginary dance partner, two-stepping it up to the counter and singing loudly to the poor girl “Si, si, si, I have a pimple on my belly”. Her eyes got wider still as she watched him and she nervously chuckled. I gave her an apologetic half-smile, saying, “He's not drunk, honey, he's just old”. But in the 4 seconds it took me to explain this, he had popped open his plaid shirt to reveal his belly...and the frighteningly large hernia that protrudes  from it. Honestly, this thing is as big as a fist and a sight to behold. It's like an alien being with a life all its own. The doctors say he's ok though and too old for surgery so they won't remove it...but I digress. Yes indeedy, he has a ginormous “pimple” on his belly and he's right proud of it. That must have been the last straw, though, because deer-in-the-headlights girl turned around and walked, nay sprinted, for the back— presumably the kitchen. My face bright red, I scolded Grampy as I buttoned him up again “Dad you CANNOT undress in public. You CAN”T do that! You scared that poor girl” He was laughing at me. “But I DO have a pimple on my belly, Cathy. See see see? Hahaha!”

This is before Rottenmeier tried to sell little Heidi to the gypsies

As I was re-dressing the old man, a middle-aged Arby's employee marched from the back (presumably the kitchen) and up to the counter. She was the clone of Fräulein Rottenmeier...the wicked woman from Heidi who tried to sell the poor child to the gypsies. You remember....but again, I digress. Her name tag told me she was the manager and I could tell immediately she was a no-nonsense type manager. She glanced briefly at Grampy then gave me the chastising, thin-lipped, one-eyebrow raised kinda look that you would give to a mother of a troop of unruly 5 year old soccer boys. In a surprisingly non-german accent she asked, unsmiling, “May I help you?” I was flustered. I was mortified. I was dumbfounded...I was hungry. Without asking Grampy what he wanted I told her “Can I have two number 1 combos and make his drink a coffee”. She rung us up. As I was paying, Grampy began to wander off, muttering “where do they keep the damn coffee around here." I quickly clutched his elbow and brought him back to me. “And when it's done would you mind bringing it to our table?” I asked sweetly. She nodded, still unsmiling, and watched us walk away— me looking for somewhere I could sit alone with my mortification...and with fun-time Grampy.

Next time we're going to the drive-through.