Grampy's Ship Comes In

The Car Keys Grampy No Longer Has

Grampy called me at work one morning, shortly after we took his car keys away. I was knee deep in deadlines, proposals and meetings, but I put it all on pause to take the call. Although the roads are once again safe for pedestrians and motorists alike, this means that Grampy is now dependent on Mike and me to take him to the various and sundry places he needs to go. 

What time do you get off work”? He demanded. “I get off at 4:30, why?” I asked. “Well” he went on “I need to get to the bank” The bank? I was perplexed. I was expecting either Walmart, Walgreens or FoodsCo (the holy trinity of shopping in Grampy's world) since it was Wednesday and the coupons had just come in the mail the day before, but the bank? Grampy believes in a cash-only system. No credit, no checks just good old American paper money like the good Lord intended. He may as well have said he wanted me to take him to church—I couldn't have been more surprised. “Why in the world do you need to go to the bank, dad?” I asked. “In 1993 I bought this magnetic bracelet.” he explained “The TV said it would cure whatever ailments I had so I bought it. I wore it for two years and it didn't cure nuthin! I still got the arther-itis as bad as ever.” He was clearly disgusted and obviously surprised that the Made for TV info-mercial would feed him lies and offer him a device that did not live up to it's touted merits. God bless America where we are not only free to, but encouraged to out and out lie to the general public and convince them to send us their money in exchange for crap.

How the Magnetic Bracelet was Supposed to Work

He went on...“So I heard about a class action lawsuit against the bracelet company and I signed up. The case is finally done and we won. I got my share of the winnings in the mail just now and I need to get it to the bank and cash it. Today!” Well that was the first I'd heard about this. It had evidently been going on for 16 years and he finally won? Maybe the old man isn't entirely senile if he can gather his wits about him long enough to win a lawsuit. “WOW!” I exclaimed, dumbfounded by this accomplishment and thinking maybe he can start paying his own bills now. “ That's GREAT”, I said, excited as all get-out, “but I can't come get you till 4:30. How much did you get?!” Grampy took a deep breath and I could feel his chest puffing out like the lone rooster in a coop full of large breasted hens, as he proclaimed “This check here is for $32.56! Can't you get off any sooner?”